One Butt Cheek at a Time
Book One: Gert Garibaldi's Rants and Raves
ISBN 978-0-385-734301-1
Delacorte Press
September 2007

THE BUTT CHEEK PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

My parents always say, “Put one foot in front of the other.” What is that? It’s discriminatory, for one thing. Not everyone has feet, nor can everyone move their feet. But here’s the epiphany that is my brilliance—we all have butts. Seriously, even people without legs and arms have butts, right?

     Okay, so survival isn’t about putting a foot in front of your trunk and shuffling along. Nope. It’s about moving the butt cheeks and getting them into the pants of life. It’s my philosophy of attacking life, or more accurately, surviving life’s attacks on me. Has been since I was little, when my tush was an adorable twin set of dumplings, so forever and ever, A-WOMEN.

I get up, find the pants for the day that fit my butt and wiggle into them. One. Butt. Cheek. At. A. Time. One and then the other. Simple. Deceptively simple. Eventually, because some days it takes longer than others, I get both cheeks into the jeans and life doesn’t feel quite so overwhelming.

It’s little things that add up to the big things. So try it. The next time you don’t think you can get out of bed or tackle the next obstacle, just focus on your butt and your jeans. One cheek in, then the other. And you’re ready to go. It works, trust me. It’s gotten me this far. 

                                                                                                                                                                     ---Gert Garibaldi